Saint Spike
by Alowl
Summary: Sillyfic - What is the Buffy characters were Saints?


Yes, I know. The character's ain't mine, the scene isn't mine, etc., etc. They're Joss's. But the story is mine, and nobody else's. So don't take it or I will call down the curse of the Jubjub bird, and the sprit of rocks no more then three inches long and small isolated mice will haunt you forever!  
  
I know I left out some characters, mostly because I either forgot 'em, or just didn't find them interesting enough. Be warned: Riley bashage!  
  
Saint Spike  
  
By AlOwl.  
  
  
  
And lo, it came to pass that one fine day in Heaven, Saint Spike beheld the glory about him and spoke thusly:  
  
"Bloody 'ell, I hate this place!"  
  
And the patron Saint of trench-coat wearers and bleached hair and Billy Idol wannabe's was sorely vexed, for truly, he missed smoking cigarettes and getting drunk and beating up on poor, unsuspecting demons, who just wanted to get drunk at Willy's. And in Heaven, they did not allow this stuff.  
  
And he visciously kicked the soft, fluffy cloud beneath his feet, and got no satisfaction from it, for it was too soft to offer resistance, and he was spoiling for a fight.  
  
And then a voice sneereth thusly: "Don't complain, Chiphead. At least you got in here." And Saint Xander, patron saint of adolescent boys, their fantasies, and all geek boys everywhere strodeth out from behind the cloud which wherein layeth his apartment (which was a mess, even in Heaven where they don't mind that stuff.) And the most aggravating Saint in the heavens examined his nails and sayeth, "And that you aren't an angel."  
  
And Saint Spike was about to clip him a good one on the chin, when the chip in his head detected the oncoming violence and shot a surge of pain through him. And as he was struggling up from the cloud (which he had fallen half- way through), he proclaimest, "Damn straight I ain't Peaches, the royal poofster! I'd rather stake meself then go through that!"  
  
"Not Angel, chiphead, an angel angel. Can you imagine yourself with a halo and wings?"  
  
And Spike pausest, and sayest, "Hate to admit it, but you've got a point." He finished climbing up, and continuest: "Bad enough we have to wear these sodden' ridiculous white robes." He tugged at disgust on his. "And I'd probably kill myself if I got to be an angel." And he whinest: "Why couldn't I have my duster, at least?"  
  
"Uh, let me think." And Xander rollest his eyes. "Because it's black and doesn't go with the décor? Speaking of Angel, where is Deadboy?"  
  
"How the rudden' 'ell should I know?"  
  
And lo, in order to satisfy the two bickering Saints and to continue the story, in a ridiculous plot contrivance only to be taken for granted by the very young and those with mental retardation, Saint Angel appeared. And the patron saint of brooders everywhere, people who say "why me?" a lot, drooling fangirls, and hair gel spokest thusly:  
  
"Don't call me Deadboy."  
  
"Arrgh! Bleeden' 'ell!" And Saint Spike leapest three meters into the air. "Don't sneak up on me like that, Peaches!"  
  
"Hey, Angel." Spakest Saint Xander. "How's it hangin'?"  
  
"Fine." Repliest the Saint. "Just have to put up with a lot of people praying to me to become evil again." And the two Saints nodded their heads in understanding, for it was common knowledge that the Demon Angelus, aside from having his own small religious cult for being incredibly evilish-cool, was held in awe by the owners of beauty shops. And so they would pray up to Saint Angel for him to become Angelus again, that he might once more flock to their shops and buy their entire stock of hair gel. And so Angel had to put up with a lot of these prayers.  
  
And the Saint continuest: "Have you seen Buffy lately? 'Cause she's been avoiding me for a while, for some reason."  
  
"No, we haven't."  
  
"Drat." And Saint Angel joined them, walking across the clouds, and bickering about the shoddy condition of the breakfast buffet.  
  
And lo, in an overuse of the word "lo", didest Saint Oz, the Saint of ultimate coolness and guitar-players casually stroll across the clouds to meet them with a simple "Hey."  
  
And the other Saints welcomed him to their party, for truly he did not speak much, and they welcomed that above all other talents. And so they continued on their not-so-merry way, griping about the lack of fresh food, towels, and modern plumbing.  
  
And on their way to complain to the Heavenly management, they passed by the Mall of Heaven, where could be found almost anything that ever existed. And as they passed by the boutique, they heard a shrill voice speaking thusly:  
  
"What do you mean I can't charge all this, you, you, cherub! I'll sue! I'll complain to management!"  
  
And the Scooby Saints paused their ascent on the clouds to view Saint Cordelia, one of their number and Saint of shopping, designer clothes, and unbearable migraines. And truly, she was screaming at the counter-angel, who would not accept her Heavenly credit card, on the basis that it was out of date.  
  
And the Saints winced, and pitied the poor fool who came between Cordelia and her purchases.  
  
And truly, from the whiskey shop next door hurried Saint Doyle, clutching under his arm three bottles of non-alcoholic bourbon substitute (this was, after all, heaven.) And the Patron Saint of Irish accents, getting unbelievably drunk, and self-denial rushed over to Saint Cordy's side, and attempted to calm her great rage.  
  
And truly, Saint Cordy slapped him on the cheek, and continued to rail against the cowering sale-angel, for truly, she had found the cutest little lingerie on sale and was not going to give it up. And when Saint Doyle saw the item in question upon her, he whole-heartedly agreed.  
  
And the Scooby Saints shook their heads, and saith: "Whipped!"  
  
And Saint Cordy and Saint Doyle strode out of the shop, with looks of disgust upon their faces. And Saint Cordy saith to the Scooby Saints: "Can you believe that dolt! He was so, so, so.. Hasn't he heard of 'The customer is always right?!" And, with that firmly in mind, they did join their fellow Saint on their crusade to complain to Management. And the other Saints welcomed them, for they were a powerful force in the heavens, though there were some black looks passed between Saint Xander and Saint Doyle.  
  
And as the Saints passed by Heavenly central, they heard a great noise of cursing coming from within. And Saint Willow stalked out, in a mood most bleak, for truly, it seemed that some idiot was on the celestial telephone, and she could not hook up to the Internet. And the patron Saint of hackers, helpfulness, and geek gals was truly on the warpath, for she had been interrupted near the end of her download on the mating rituals of Kelsok demons, which took three hours to download. And mighty Saint Xander tried to calm her rage, but she shot him a look that promised death most horrible, and all shrank back before her, for truly, she was venting magic left and right. (A nearby cloud never fully recovered, as did a passing sprit. But since it was only Leonardo de Caprio, no one minded.) And for once, jealous Saint Cordy welcomed her to their party, for she also was in a mighty rage. And the males of the party, human or otherwise, backed away from the mighty wrath of the females and the inventive deaths that they were cooking up for management. And so they continued on their way, armed with rage unsatable.  
  
And lo, as the very heavens themselves darkened, and thunder crashed amidst the gloom, did a voice spake up. And this voice didst spake:  
  
"Wow! Neat weather!" And truly, the Scooby Saints and the Angel Host beheld the Host, Lorne the harmless ex-demon come tripping towards them, over the bunched up-clouds of Heaven. And he picked himself up, and Saint Spike addressed him thusly:  
  
"Man, you are one crazy - "  
  
"Spike!"  
  
"Yeah, yeah." And so was heralded the arrival of Muse Lorne, class five, Muse of Karaoke and stand-up singers everywhere. (Though he had started on strippers as a side-line.)  
  
And when Muse Lorne heard the news of the crusade against management, he bravely puffed out his chest, and saith:  
  
"If it gets a better sound system for the Celestial Café, count me in! I couldn't even hear Angel last time."  
  
And a voice interrupteth: "Hey, maybe we should leave that part of the petition 'til last." And the crowd of Heavenly (if not willing) beings turned to see Saint Gunn, Saint of, well, guns and odd weaponry in general come striding towards them. And hurrying in his wake was Saint Wesley, who proclaimest:  
  
"Yes, well, we should consider that," and firmly cleaned his glasses.  
  
And the Saint of weaponry and the Saint of wimps who grow backbone and are adored after being hated came to the Scooby host. And it was revealed that they too, having heard of this noble crusade on the Heavenly radio wished to join.  
  
And Saint Gunn saith thusly:  
  
"Man, we really need better living accommodations. Wes and me were just so pleased when we heard about this, right?" And he slappeth Saint Wesley a good one on the back, and Saint Wesley was heard to murmur something about the indiscrete behavior of the Saint of Weaponry's mother and a randy he- goat as he picked himself off the clouds.  
  
And so the two were welcomed into the throng, as them stormed across the no- longer-fluffy clouds.  
  
And as they clomped and thumped and muttered as they marched, a trapdoor openthed in front of them. And all motion stopped (well, the motion at the front stopped and those in the back plowed into the ones in the front) as they stared at this happening (well, those that weren't being trampled on the ground). And they all watched in stunned amazement as a toussled and sleepy head stuck out and saith:  
  
"Keep it down, will you! Some people are trying to sleep!" And Mighty Saint Giles climbeth out from his underground apartment and glared at them all. And the Saints (and Muse) stared at the cloud-floor and shuffled their feet when confronted with the patron Saint of libraries, father- figures, and people who are hellraisers in youth but grow out of it, and are widely adored for no good reason at all. And they knew the horrible embarrassment of teenagers caught before their parents.  
  
And Saint Giles surveyed them, and tappeth his foot, and saith: "Well? I'm waiting.."  
  
And so didest Saint Xander speak up: "Well, G-Man, it's like this."  
  
"How many times have I told you not to call me G-Man!?"  
  
"Forty-Two, actually. Rather me call you G-Saint?" But Saint Xander hurried on when he beheld that Saint Giles looked ready to explode. "But see, we're going to complain to management about, about, the, um."  
  
"Lack of libraries! Yeah, that's it!" Chirped up Saint Willow. "'Cause we think it's just such a shame that, that.."  
  
"We can't research ancient and obscure stuff anymore!" Finished Saint Xander, who in truth, thanked, well, heaven every night that it was so.  
  
And Saint Giles stared at them with an expression that suggested he knew very well what they were doing, and seemed to say: They woke me up for this?  
  
Still, he joined in the march, saying: "Somebody has to keep an eye on you lot!" And the procession went on, but in a somewhat more orderly fashion. And the sound of English accents and arguments rose up, for the two English Saints in the band rather disliked one another, but were nonetheless comparing notes on a prophecy they had read that might apply in the situation. And the Scooby Saints needed dictionaries to find the meanings of some of the more obscure words. (Saint Xander, for one, looked them up most eagerly, but was disappointed to find that they all had something to do with cheese making. Little did he know that those entries were written in an ancient and never-used code, since Heaven doesn't permit words like that!) And Saint Willow and Saint Cordy were there with bandages and spare pairs of glasses after one rather heated discussion on which of the two had the better translation of an ancient text of gibbresh. And the two straightened themselves out, and pointedly ignored one another after that.  
  
"Angel? Tell what's-his-name that the Etdjg Codex is quite clear on the subject of the Prophecy of Wcndlv, and the word translates as "Windex!"  
  
"Willow? Tell that miserable excuse for an ex-Watcher that the Codex was written by a bunch of thrill-seekers after getting drunk five nights in a row!"  
  
Well, mostly ignored one another.  
  
"Geez, what difference does one word make?"  
  
And both of the ex-Watchers turned on him indignantly, and said in chorus: "All the difference in the world! If only he admitted I was right!" And they looked at each other, shocked and amazed for a moment before they remembered that they weren't talking to each other any more, and turned their backs on one another.  
  
And the Scooby Saints smirked, and tried to stifle their chuckles and giggles.  
  
But then, astoundingly, the blackness in front of the Saints (and Muse) seemed to gather together! It swirled and congealed into an inky point of blackness concentrated right before them! And the assembled Holy beings, recognizing it for what it was, and intradimensional - intraspacial - intrareligious portal, cried out together in a great voice: "Good Lord, can't villains have some originality!? Not AGAIN!" Saint Willow added: "It's the third this week!" But, despite this familiar (and pathetic) menace, they were all shocked by what emerged from the portal!  
  
For behold! From out of the portal came the ultimate horror, the most evil, foul, depraved, and utterly non-nice being in the universe! It was lothsome! It was hideous! It was more evil then the Backstreet Boys! It was more horrifying then a kid walking in on their parents having. well, it was really bad! It was a sight that inspired despair, and every other bad kind of emotion in a human! It was.. THE ARCH-DEMON RILEY!!!!!!  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" Everyone cried, for the Demon Riley was the one thing that truly scared them most in the know universe, the most disgusting thing imaginable! And they cowered back as the fiend opened his mouth, and they screamed when he started to speak, torturing them with the hideous words:  
  
"Well, once in Iowa.."  
  
Saint Xander and Saint Angel hugged each other in their fright.  
  
"We went out cow-tipping."  
  
Saint Cordy dropped her Credit card, she was so frightened, and completely forgot to worry about money.  
  
"Can't we all just get along?"  
  
Gunn tried to hide behind Wesley.  
  
And the demon smiled, and ushered forth the most hideous words of all:  
  
"Buffy and I had sex!"  
  
"AGRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
And the Scooby Saints and the Fang Gang writhed in torment, the pictures that that last image conjured up coming up before them..  
  
"No! My eyes! Help!"  
  
"Quick! Tear out my eyeballs!"  
  
"Save me! Save me! Arghhh!"  
  
And just as all seemed lost, and the Demon Riley savored his triumph while all his enemies cowered before him..... BUFFY ARRIVED!!!  
  
Clad all in black leather was she, with a stake in one hand and an axe in the other. Her boots were the sort of high-heeled impossibility that would make her trip in under a second (if she had ever bothered to read her Science Textbook) and her nails were painted blood - red! She looked every inch the mean, lean, Vampire Slayer, except for the towl around her neck.  
  
"RILEY!" She bellowed. "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT - IT'S OVER!"  
  
The demon turned puppy dog eyes on her. "But Buffy." It started to whine.  
  
She growled, and laid in with the axe. "I've told you (whack) that it's over (kick) and anyway, you (slam) got married! (punch.)"  
  
"But, my only love."  
  
"And furthermore, you arrived when I was in the middle of my shower!! You shall pay for that! DIE! DIE! DIE!"  
  
And with that, she staked him, and he exploded. And when everyone looked up from where they had taken cover from the blast, Buffy stood there, victorious!  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"All Right!"  
  
"Ding-Dong, Riley is Dead!"  
  
"Buffy, why have you been avoiding me?"  
  
The last was said by Angel, who was staring at the Slayer with a kicked - puppy look a thousand times more potent then Riley's.  
  
Buffy looked at him sheepishly, and replied, "Well, uh, I was sorta working my way up to asking you something.." She fumbled in her pocket.  
  
"What's that, love?"  
  
"Well. will you marry me?"  
  
"WHAT!?!?"  
  
"DEADBOY!?!"  
  
"PEACHES?!?!"  
  
"THAT"S SO SWEET!"  
  
Buffy pulled out a ring from her pocket.  
  
"Of course, my dearest."  
  
SMOOCH.  
  
"UGH!"  
  
"MY EYES!"  
  
"HELP!"  
  
"SOMEONE PINCH ME!"  
  
"Wait!" Someone yelled out of the chaos that had erupted. "What about the soul; thing?"  
  
"All taken care of!" Buffy grinned smugly. "Took me a month, but I managed to convince the higher-ups to make it permanent." With that, they started exploring one another's mouths once more.  
  
After breaking the kiss, she turned to Giles. "Well?"  
  
He looked stunned. "Well.I guess as long as it makes you happy."  
  
"Yeah, congratulations!"  
  
"A wedding! I can plan it!"  
  
"I hope you live happily ever after!"  
  
Giles had drawn Angel aside. "If you hurt her.I'll kill you! Well, make you even more dead then you are!"  
  
Buffy and Angel rushed back together again, and rode off on a white stallion that had come from nowhere. As the assembly watched them leave, tears glimmered in the female eyes.  
  
"Well, at least Deadboy's - UNGH!"  
  
"Princess', what - "  
  
"Why are you looking at me like that?!"  
  
And from several female throats came the request:  
  
"Oh, Darling, let's get married!"  
  
The Males fainted as one.  
  
Those still conscious looked at each other.  
  
"We'll take that as a yes."  
  
And they all lived happily ever after! 


End file.
